This morning I was trying to get my the next couple of verses in Ephesians but was unsuccessful. I tried a couple different bible sites that I use so that I could copy and paste, but the computer was not cooperating. I tried to type it up manually, again the computer was not cooperating. What the heck! I am pretty savvy and computers tend to work for me, what is going on? I decided it was time to take a break and go out to my car to grab something. On my way back I walked past a woman smoking on the side of the building and I was thinking how funny it is that I once was that person huddled on the side of a building in the cold, just to smoke a cigarette that was harming me.
This is when it hit me! Today I need to write about how amazing God is. I need to let you all know some of the amazing things I have been able to over come by relying on Jesus. Obviously smoking is one vice that I have overcome 🙂 I started smoking when I was young, too young, and quit successfully for a number of years before I started up again. I struggled to quite this last time. The nicotine had a string grip on this heart. Finding out I was pregnant was the reason I was finally able to quit. After having the baby, I was tempted to start again but prayed for Jesus to please take the addiction away. He did! I do not have the slightest urge to smoke again. This shows me that it was God that did the work…even when I successfully quit myself before, I always had that slight urge lingering around. Not any more!
Another mighty work I would like to tell you about is the work He has done in me in regards to a deep-rooted issue. To make a long story short let me tell you that my father was there when I was quite young but I stopped having contact with him when I was around 5 years old or so. I have memories of visiting him and his wife, playing games, going to fairs, things of this nature. They were all good memories. As I got older and my relationship with my mother deteriorated, I chose to seek out my father. I looked him up and called him to tell him I wanted to live with him. Well, I never did go live with him but over the span of my lifetime I reached out in different ways…and I admit that some of those letters and phone calls were full of anger, desperation and sometimes a drunken ramble…sigh…I am not proud of the some of the ways I chose to approach him. I came from a place of pain, I blamed him for all the horrible things I had to face. If only he was a good enough father to step up and be there! Rescue me from the life I was leading! How could you leave me with my mother knowing how she was?? The worst part was that his wife didn’t want me anywhere near her family, they had 3 children of their own and none of them were to know I existed. So they got the father I never had, they had the security of his love and I was the child thrown away. My father even told me once that it was too hard to talk to me because I look and sound so much like my mother. HE chose to have a child with her and I have to suffer because I look and sound like her??
I think you get the picture.
These are the things I have struggled with all my life. Moments of anger, anxiety, desperation and heartbreak plague my past. On occasion I would come face to face with him and his “happy little family” and would have severe anxiety attacks or I would just avoid whichever event it was because I couldn’t handle the anticipatory stress over it. Then yesterday, while I was at my cousin’s baby shower, BAM, my father is in the back of the room. Instantly my chest tightened as I saw him bringing my grandmother, aunt and his wife into the room. Now, why it never even crossed my mind that they would be there, I have no clue. On top of this, I ended up sitting next to his wife at the table. I had to sit next to the woman I blamed for keeping me from my father all these years. At first I thought about moving, but I never ever see my Grandma Mary and I have to admit that a little part of me was thinking that there was no way I was changing my seat for her! 🙂
Now I have been praying for years for God to heal the part of me that still craves a relationship with my father, to take away the pain and desperation I feel so often and well I am here today to tell you that He has! Sure, there was a sense of akwardness during those 4 hours sitting there, but there was also a sense of peace with me. God came by my side and there was no animosity. I cannot tell you how she felt about it, but we were able to have small talk with the entire table, she even filled my coffee cup rather than filling everyone else’s and not mine lol. All in all it was not as bad as it could have been if I didn’t have the Holy Spirit working within me. The old Melissa would have definitely moved and probably would have tried to drink the stress away. Not this Melissa, she has the all mighty God by her side!
I was emotionally drained and totally did all I could to avoid my father when he dropped the ladies off and again when he picked them up. However, I did not allow it to disturb the peace I have within me, the peace that Jesus brings. I chose to give it up to God and to ask Him to get me through it and He did! This was a HUGE chain that He broke. I feel so free in this. Amazed that He did this work in me and I wasn’t even aware of it. This is not to say that I am not still effected by this at all, but not anywhere near as much as I have been in the past. I mean I cannot express to you just how huge this is!
I have always envisioned a deep well of pain and anger in the very core of my being. I have tried visualization excercise where I would try to fill this void but everything I tried stuffing in there would just get sucked right in. Only when I have learned to lay it all down and to turn to Jesus and just ask for healing did this void begin to close. God has filled this hole with His Holy spirit and has brought healing to those places I never thought could be healed.
God is amazing and I will never cease to be amazed by Him. I have a long way to go and many more places for Him to heal, but this little experience has truly blown my mind.
God is faithful!