Deepening

There have been many times I started writing a post on here and then closed it, unsure what to write. So I wrote nothing. This is a problem I find in many aspects if my life. I am unsure of what to say or do, so I do nothing at all, afraid of doing the wrong thing. I allow uncertainty and fear to grab hold of me and keep me in a place of inaction. This is not a place I should be in and most definitely not a place where Jesus wants me in. God tells us to step out in the Spirit in faith and love. He will do the rest. Who am I to hold back whatever it is God may be trying to do through me? It’s not my place to deem what is the right or wrong thing to do or say. It is my job to do whatever the Spirit lays on this heart of mine.

Over the past few months I have been trying to deal with the fact that I do not step out of my comfort zone enough. I don’t reach out to dig deeper, I find that I am wading in those shallow place once again. The superficial “hey, how are you” and moving along quickly happens all too often. Yes, I do have a toddler I have to chase after, yes I have children that need to be fed, but they cannot be an excuse.

I want my normal approach to life and the people surrounding me to be deeper. I have been asking God to help deepen my approach to life as He commands me to. He has been doing a work in my life that I have a hard time describing. He has been deepening my understanding and approach to people but I still drift back into the shallow business. I have to remember that I am here on this earth to do God’s work. Nothing else matters. I have heard over and over again that we do not take anything with us when we leave this earth. I face the fact that our time here is short everyday in my work. I know that I will be forgotten shortly after I die. Really, this life I am leading is a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. Here today and gone tomorrow.

So what am I doing with the time I am given? Am I consistently reaching out to God and asking for Him to work through me every second I breathe? Do I take the time to stand in awe of all that God has created around me? Do I thank Jesus for the awesome sacrifice He made for us? Do I love each and every person I come in contact with because Jesus does and wants me to as well?

Sometimes.

Not enough.

I do these things much more than I once did and I know that I will never do them enough. I am human. I am flawed. I will never meet any mark I set. Jesus is perfection and I can only continue to accomplish His work by allowing Him in. Deeper and deeper. Like a diamond I can only reflect His love and light in this world full of hate and darkness.

So He sends us also

Luke 4:18-19 NET

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, 19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

John 20:21 NET

So Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. Just as the Father has sent me, I also send you.”

These two verses settled on mt heart today.

Jesus expects us all to proclaim good news to the poor, proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

These are His commands. Often I spend prayer time begging Jesus to do a worki in my life, transform me, make me more like Him and to tear out the deep dark parts on me. This is so self-centered.

Of course I want to change, but am I following His direction? How often do I turn from myself and proclaim the good news to the poor? When do I step out of my comfort zone and proclaim liberty to captives? I mean I have a hard enough time opening my mouth when in the midst of fellow believers. I allow myself to feel inadequate.

I am inadequate, but Jesus isn’t. He has not set me up for failure by telling he to set out to accomplish impossible things. He expects me to step out of my self and follow Him as He followed the Father.

It’s time my prayers change direction and I start asking Him to show me where Ge wants me to step up, step out and let Him shine through me. It’s time I take myself out of it and follow His call.

People are captive in this word and they need to know that chains can broken and lives healed when Christ is accepted into our lives.

I fall short, way short and need my Savior to accomplish greatness in this life. A greatness that will bring Him the glory He deserves.

Interesting place to be

I have mentioned being in a weird place before and have not been able to put my finger on it. God has been amazing in my life these past few years and I think I am in a place of awe. Sometimes I think maybe I have become stagnant in my walk but God immediately shows me that this is not the case. Other times I start to feel unworthy and like I am failing in my growth and the God reminds me that the enemy will feed me lies when I am in such a place.
Maybe just learning to finally rest in God and His love for me?  Looking at where I came from as a child and a teen to the woman God has molded me to be today. Realizing how amazing it is when you give control over to Him and allow Him to do the work in you that He wants to do….it’s all great.
Professionally I am finally in a position that suits me prefectly. I always question if I still want to be in hospice and then I realize just what an amazing job this is and to be working for a company that has the patient’s and employee’s best interest at heart is truly rewarding. The 6 years I have been in this field have geared up to this and I absolutely love it, despite just how crazy and overwhelming it can be. My company rocks and I am surrounded by people who have been in hospice for sometime and want to work together to keep the core hospice ideals in place always.
My marriage is great, never been more comfortable and it is absolutely amazing to see the work God has been doing in each of us individually as well as in us as a couple. We will always butt heads and struggle with things because we are human and have a million kids, but over all I can’t complain. No one can embarrass me or get me angry like he can, but he is the most loving, thoughtful, kind person once you get past all that and I am honored to be his wife! (i know, gag :-p)
Kids are awesome, I like sitting back and watching them. The girls are so helpful and really pitch in with the household and family responsibilities. They are far from perfect but they really are amazing kids. One of my daughters was cooking while finishing her homework last night because she really wanted to! (how could I say no to that??) MY younger daughter had a melt down but bounced back, talked to me about it and cleaned her room, played with hr little brother and helped with laundry. All my girls bicker all the time but they also do sweet things for each other like make the other breakfast while she is still getting dressed. I have made it a point to build them up in those things so that I am not the mom that is always telling them what they need to correct. They are hitting puberty and that is definitely showing but I find that I am not dreading the teen years as much. It’s a part of life and a season they are entering in to. I just pray that they will continue to make good decisions and stay open with me about their challenges. Life is short and I don’t want to spend it complaining about the beautiful things that can be difficult.
I am enjoying blogging again and think I may have found the type of blog that is best suited for me, for now any way :-p Periodically I wonder if anyone really reads it or is benefitting from my ramblings at all and this is when someone will come up to me nd thank me for writing, so I continue to do so.
I have been battling with Reiki and how I feel about it spiritually and it has been utilized quite a bit in this position which is what I have wanted for some time. After a lot of prayer, a lot of research and a lot of discussing it I think I am in a place of accepting it and using it for God’s glory.
I am in a place where I am digging deeper into the world around me yet am feeling that disconnect as we are to be in the world but not of it, it’s an interesting transition and I am excited to see where we go from here!
I love you all and thank God each and every day for the people I come across in this life.