The author of my life

“Let me try to give something, not the same, but a bit like it. Suppose I am writing a novel. I write “Mary laid down her work; next moment came a knock at the door!” For Mary who has to live in the imaginary time of my story there is no interval between putting down the work and hearing the knock. But I, who am Mary’s maker, do not live in that imaginary time at all. Between writing the first half of that sentence and the second, I might sit down for three hours and think steadily about Mary. I could think about Mary as if she were the only character in the book and for as long as I pleased and the hours I spent in doing so would not appear in Mary’s time (the time inside the story) at all.

This is not a perfect illustration, of course. But it may give just a glimpse of what I believe to be the truth. God is not hurried about the Time-stream of this universe anymore than an author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel.” – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. – Proverbs 16:9

Why do I worry so much?? Why do I get so anxious?? Why do I react to interruptions with such tension??

God knows all, is all, and uses all to His glory. I am a mere servant, His child, a tool for His disposal. God is good and I want to change my perspective so that I stress less and surrender more, to the author of my life.

The Storms of Life

I have been in the midst of the storm of life over the past few weeks. All I could do was hunker down and ride it out. Sometimes that is all we can do.

Typically I will get to a point where I am frustrated with the thing that are causing the stress, complain, vent, and possibly close off to the world until clearer days come. When those clearer days finally come, I take the time to reflect, learn and see how God was working and the lessons He taught.

This time was slightly different. I didn’t lash out, I did my best to stay centered. I did retreat from the world a bit and totally had emotional break downs, but it was good to release the feelings rather than keeping them bottled up. I maintained my cool for the most part, played the supportive role, let me husband lead, and we talked about the issues quite a bit. This was great, he had the room he needed to lead us through this storm and he was amazing. I am learning to speak less and love more.

I always lean on God in these trials and tribulations, that is second nature to me these days. I know He will carry me through any storm and that all things are used for His glory. I always have that faith and God understands my weak, human responses that come out at times. This time was different in the respect that I was able to see God working in the midst of this very tiring time we endured. I took the backseat and gave my husband the room he needed to lead us. This has not always been easy for me. I respect my husband and believe him fully capable of leading our family in all things. That has never been an issue. My mouth, that has always been the issue, I would speak first. I have been on my own for a very long time and my initial response to any issues has been to step up and meet them head on, take care of it myself because no one else would. It has been me against the world since I was a teen. After a lot of prayer, through the wonderful ladies bible study, and the words of an awesome pastor, I have finally come to a point where I am able to step back….just a little. 🙂

I was still very involved in all that transpired and supported my hubby as he needed me to, but I was able to step back just enough to see God working. I could see His hand in it all. I was able to marvel as His plan unfolded and it was absolutely beautiful.

My role this time was to pray, love, encourage and weather the storm by my hubby’s side. I really enjoyed it.

Oh I was angry, hurt and depressed through it all, don’t get me wrong. I fell apart on several occasions and that too was a blessing. I realized that God is not crazy, I am the weaker vessel! My emotions were so out of control at times, I couldn’t stand being in my own skin. The pressure from all sides was too much, I shut down a bit and let God carry me through, I let my husband carry me through, I let go.

I don’t want to feel like I have to be the strong one. I don’t want to worry about handling all things, it’s a job that is not meant for me. I was created with a different purpose. I have struggled for so long to be something that I am not, and have tried to bury parts of me that I thought were not important.

I can’t even put the things that have been happening to me into words. My perspective is changing, God is peeling back the layers of darkness that have been covering my eyes. He is so patient, gentle and kind. He deals with my doubts, my failures and my pain. He is always by my side. I fall on my face often and I will never come close to being perfect, that isn’t what I was created for either. Perfection is unattainable, Mercy and Grace are all I need.

As I take baby steps back, I get glimpses of the true beauty in this world. I see the truth shining through and I love it. I am finding my self again and learning to love all the gifts he has bestowed upon me. I am slowly learning to go slow, allow God to go ahead of me in all things. I can get so caught up in life, that I don’t realize I blew right past where God has meant for me to walk.

The moral of this story? God is awesome, if you listen to Him and follow His instructions for your life, it will only get better. Circumstances may not change but the level of inner peace and one’s perspective will change dramatically. Only Jesus can transform these lives.

Let go, step back, pause before acting and watch God work. Embrace your gifts and talents, God gave them to you for a reason. His reason.