I Am a Closet Depressive

I have a secret.  Lately, I’ve been thinking that it is time to come clean, instead of trying to hide my weakness from the world.  I am a closet depressive.

I have struggled with feelings of depression since I was a child.  When I was twelve years old, I began to think about taking my own life.  At eighteen, I attempted to, and ended up being hospitalized for a couple of months, until it was determined that I was no longer an immediate threat to myself.

A year later, God blessed me with my first child, and despite the fact that the suicidal thoughts would still ebb and flow in my mind from time to time, I now had someone else to live for.  The guilt that I felt at the thought of abandoning her outweighed any despair that I might have felt.

Eventually, I found Jesus.  That added a whole new dimension to my life – someone besides me to depend on, to cry out to.  I began to go through a period where I was experiencing anxiety attacks every day on my commute to and from work.  As a single parent, not going to work was not an option, so I found different ways to cope and get through it each day.  Often, the only thing I could do was tell myself over and over in my head, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

I would like to say that God completely healed me of my depression at this point.  Instead, it has been more of a thorn in my side, something of which to say “His grace is sufficient for me; His strength is made perfect in my weakness.”  He has certainly healed other issues, but fourteen years later, He is still working on me all of the time, showing me issues that I have been blind to my whole life, explaining to me why I am the way that I am, why I’ve struggled with the things that I’ve struggled with, and what needs to change.  So, I have hope that He will remove it one day.

The past three winters, though, have been really rough for me.  I’ve been letting the cares of this world weigh me down far more than I should and circumstances have escalated those cares to an often unbearable level.  There are many days that I did not want to get out of bed.  I didn’t have much choice, though, as there is a new set of little ones, pulling at me with entreaties of “I’m hungry; I’m thirsty; can I watch a show on Netflix?”  I can’t deal with the idea of not being there for them, the way that no one was there for me when I was little.  So, I push through it, and face my responsibilities once again.  Truthfully, though, there was many a morning that I opened my eyes, only to say, “Jesus, I’m ready to go home.  I’m not going to do the dirty work myself, but any time that you’re ready to take me . . .”  The spring has come, though, and brought somewhat of a reprieve from that.

The reason that I felt it was necessary to share this was not for pity, for we all have some cross to bear in our lives, but because I realize that this is part of my testimony, one that I have deprived others of.  From time to time, I have heard people share stories of depression or anxiety that they are experiencing and tried to reach out, to let them know that I understand.  The thing is, I keep getting rebuffed, and basically told that I don’t “get it”.  It amazes me when that happens, and I initially get angry.  I want to say “Have you ever felt such despair that you have actually tried to take your own life?  Because I have!”

What God has shown me, though, is that on the outside, I probably don’t look like I am going through pain to that extent.  I am almost like the stepfather that I grew up with, who has an alcohol problem that has ruined every important relationship in his life.  He still managed to get up and go to work every day – to two full-time jobs – saving lives as a firefighter and a paramedic, no less.  He probably looked pretty normal to the people he interacted with each day, at least, the ones that he didn’t live with.  You wouldn’t picture him as the guy whose thirteen-year-old daughter had to help her mother drag him upstairs, passed out drunk, as the guests were beginning to arrive for her birthday party.

I am a functioning depressive.  As long as I get out of bed each day and try to fit in with everyone else by putting on an act of being “normal”, no one will ever know any different.  They may notice that I have the “winter blahs” but I will never be able to bless someone else who is struggling, to offer a listening ear that they know understands and will not be judging them.  I have no one to blame for that except myself, because I have been too proud to admit the truth.  That’s why I am coming clean, so God can finally use me and my struggles for His glory.

Calling All Writers!

We Are A Community!

I have enjoyed writing on here, hear from all over you and allowing The Holy Spirit to pour out through me. It has been amazing. Now it is time to move forward in what God has for this site, to be a true community.

For some time now, I have been feeling led to open this up to other writers and I am excited to do so. A few ladies have already accepted this and will be writing on here soon. I am excited to see Jesus moving through their lives.

The purpose of this site is to share, be transparent with each other and allow God to move. If you are a writer and you are feeling called to share, let me know! We would love to have you on here!

I am not looking to apply too many guidelines, I like to keep it simple and leave the rest to our Lord. I just as that you keep in line with the following:

  • Be transparent in your struggles
  • Be courteous and non-judgmental
  • Be sensitive
  • Be honest
  • Be obedient in Christ
  • Keep it about Jesus

I believe we can all be blessed and healed here. I feel that God has given us gifts and we are to use them, one such gift is writing. If you love to write and feel called to share, we welcome you to do so. There are no deadlines, no schedules, just a place to share, love and encourage. You can write daily, weekly, monthly, or just once. I can set you up with a log in, or you can send me a piece to post on your behalf. I truly want this to be whatever you need it to be. We can introduce you with a bio and picture, or you can remain anonymous. Email Me Here!

I look forward to where God is bringing this and can’t wait to read your posts!

Your Shame

Today I want to encourage us all to let our shame become our stories.  You see, we have a choice when it comes to our past, we can try to bury it, hide it and live in shame. Or we can choose to allow Jesus into those places, allow true healing and then use these experiences to share with others. When we choose to share and be vulnerable, we allow The Holy Spirit to work through us. We can encourage others and let them know that they are not alone.

As I have walked this journey of transparency and sharing, I have been privileged enough to witness the impact these words can have on others. I too am being changed in this process, I am finding relief, freedom and a deepening of understanding.

Don’t hide from the shame, this only gives it more power than it deserves. Be free in Christ, allow the power of the resurrection to be active in all you do. Be willing to be transparent when He prompts you to be so. Pray over it, allow it to be Spirit lead and fruitful. Don’t do it for your own gain, just know that anytime you walk in faith, you will be blessed in your own way. God only tells us to walk out in ways that will bring Him Glory and that alone is a blessing. worth striving for.

Be brave, be bold and walk in all that the Living God has for you.

“It’s not brave if you’re not afraid”