That little girl still sits within. She is often silent, but always right under the surface. There are times when I believe that I am no longer her, and there are times when I feel like I am only her.
The girl that struggles with her parents abandoning, her choices to use sex, drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, the girl that wants to curl up and disappear. The girl that wonders why she was even born.
The woman forgets that she is loved and cherished by the almighty Creator and was brought to this world with a purpose. She slips into that place of insecurity and wonders why it’s so hard to move forward. The emotions threaten to engulf her.
How do we heal those deepest places? Why must it always be a process? If Jesus healed a woman who just reached out to touch his garment, then He can certainly heal me. Do I not believe deeply enough? Is my trust not complete? Does my pride get in the way? I am sure it is all these things.
Anxiety, guilt and shame have no place in this life. They are so heavy to carry, why can’t I just put them down and walk away forever? The space they use up in me is precious space that could be filled with love, peace and hope. I don’t want to carry this baggage around anymore.
Instead of dropping the baggage that weighs me down, I choose to pretend it’s not there at all. Can everyone see it? Why do I turn a blind eye? It takes it’s toll. It is exhausting.
Instead, I feel as though I remove one thing at a time out. I rest a moment, sit before my Jesus and we go through together. He tells me to leave it all there, I want to so badly. Instead I pour it all out before Him and slowly begin to pack them back away. Maybe I leave one or two things behind, maybe I allow Him to free me a little. I can see how sad He is as I repack all that baggage and take that burden on again. I know it’s not mine to carry, I know how His heart aches as I walk away.
He loves me despite it all. His love never changes. I wish I could love myself the way He loves me. Maybe one day I will. To me it seems we have a lot to go through and that it will never be done, but it is done. Jesus has told us that it is done. He came and saved our very souls. He came so that these burdens would be no more. He offers for me to walk in freedom. I only need to be willing to leave it all behind.
Jesus, today I ask that You show me why I insist on carrying these burdens when You have already forgiven me. Show me how I can love myself the way You love me. Show me how You see me. Let me see through Your eyes today. Thank You for being so gentle, so kind and so very patient with me. Thank You for coming into my deepest and darkest places to show me how You heal all things. Thank You for being so faithful and never leaving my side. You are amazing.