Tag Archives: questioning

Perfectly Made

Compliments are a weird thing for me. When I am given one, I don’t know what to do with it. I try to smile and say thank you, most of the time I deflect and try to avoid them. I once thought that not accepting a compliment was a type of humility, then I began to think of it as a pride issue. Lately, I have been given another perspective.

I have had the pleasure of going through some healing of old wounds with a woman who is in the same place as me, on so many levels. We have both experienced some crazy traumas as kids and have rebelled and lashed out in some similar ways. It has been great to meet with someone who listens with an open heart and that is willing to share their struggles so freely. We went through a book that I thought wold be much more difficult than it turned out to be. This last book dug into past traumas that can affect current relationships and reminded us on how Jesus wants to heal those places. He was there, is there and is the only One that can bring true healing. How amazed I am by the love He shares so freely. How much I enjoy digging into those places that once hurt and see just how powerfully He moves through those places, brings healing and allows the experience to bring healing to others. We only need to be willing.

Recently we have begun a book on another topic my friend felt she needed to face. I did some searching and found a great one. I was excited to start this process with her and expect miracles to take place. The thing I did not expect was just how deep this would hit home for me as well. The emotions it has stirred, the memories that threaten to become clearer, the pain buried so deeply, so long ago. The topic of Forgiving our Fathers and Mothers. Ugh, it is apparently a place that needs to be dug up and brought into the Light. The good news is that when Jesus asks me to step into these hard places, I know that it is so that He can release me from the burdens I carry. Burdens that I was never meant to carry. Experiences that can be shared and that can be used for His greater Good once I learn to release them.

After I completed the first chapter, I was struck by the fact that for most of my childhood, my internal feelings and thoughts were never acknowledged. In fact they were replaced with my parents telling me that I was not good enough, I was not worthy of love and that I would never be anything more than a burden and a mistake. When you learn these things in these stages of development, you carry those feelings of inadequacy into adulthood. We become unable to accept when others acknowledge a gift or skill in ourselves. We were never taught how. We were raised to believe that anything we felt we were successful in was a lie. We were told, in many different ways, that we should not acknowledge any beauty in ourselves. We are not to see our talents as something good. We will never measure up.

Now, I don’t believe we are meant to dwell in these places for long, but I do think it’s important to gain a new perspective and to dig deep to understand the underlying issues. If we go there, when Jesus leads us, we can find true freedom. We can replace the lies that were told to us so long ago. We can begin to see ourselves as the creations we are. Our Creator has made us all for a purpose and we need to know that. We need this to sink to the depths of our hearts so that we can be free to move within that purpose. It’s important.

I have had a desire to see myself as Jesus sees me, for some time now. It’s not a quick process, but a life long one. To allow Him to undo the lies and guilt that we grip onto so tightly. The defenses we have grown accustomed to carrying around, fully engaged. We don’t even realize how exhausting it is anymore, we have forgotten any other way. Jesus knows our burdens, He knows our pain and He is the only One that can release us from them. We only need to give Him the space to do so. He is gentle, patient and willing to wait until we go before Him and lay it all down. How lovely it is when we are able to drop the defenses and to walk in His will with confidence. The beauty we are able to encounter within ourselves is amazing.

Today I would encourage you all to turn your hearts over to Jesus and to ask Him what He wants you to see within yourself. Focus on following the path that He laid out for you so long ago. Remember that you were molded into perfection by His hands and that He wants a close and personal relationship with you. He is the true Father and His love never wavers. He has the perfect vision of who you are and what you are meant to do for His Kingdom. Rest on that. Seek His will. See yourself through His perfect eyes. Receive His love and acceptance. Let those defenses fall away and know that no one can hurt you anymore, for you are His and He will always protect you. He laid down His life for you. Now live  yours for Him.

 

Psalm 139

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
12     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Day 7 – Trust

Do you trust in all that you see, hear and feel? I believe I do at times. Other times I begin to see that it is all so temporary and always changing.

15 “For we are sojourners before You, and tenants, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope. 16 “O LORD our God, all this abundance that we have provided to build You a house for Your holy name, it is from Your hand, and all is Yours. – 1 Chronicles 29:15-16

Today I am reminded to keep my eyes on eternity and not to be too distracted by the world around me. This will all fade away and be a distant memory. This is how I should be living every day.

I have been in a place of uncertainty and sadness these past few weeks. I have been wondering, wandering and struggling to understand. I know that God is at work and the He will never allow me to be brought anywhere other than where I am meant to be, but it has still been hard.

Tonight I was reminded that He is in control. He is so faithful and has brought all these “coincidence”s before me as a way of showing me that He is right there. This I know for sure. Today is the first day in a while that I have felt that peace sweeping over me. I was allowing anxiety to creep in where it does not belong.

I cannot say for sure that I will not be anxious over this again, but I can say that right now I am so thankful that Jesus is there for me. I am blown away by the way things all line up and point to Him. The timing of all things at once, from places that don’t seem to connect, and they all point to Him being in control.

My place in all this is to be obedient. Look for the work that is being done and trust in all the unknowns. Trust. Trust in the one who is eternal, not in the temporary things that are of this world. We are only passing through. This is not where we will land. This is not the end. This is the beginning.

Will I choose to get wrapped up and emotional over the things that will no longer be in the blink of an eye? No, I will choose to look past it all and see the bigger picture. I am a citizen of Heaven and a child of the Almighty Creator, the great I AM. He is for me in all things. He has protected me and guided me through so many things, how could I even think that He would not be in something so important to me?

His will is my focus. His plans are my desires. I crave to be lead by His Spirit, so why am I worried in the least?

Today I choose to trust more deeply. Today I choose to be thankful for the struggle so that I can grow in ways not possible otherwise. I lift it all up and lay it at the His feet. My Lord will always work my life to bring Him Glory and that is all that matters.

And Sometimes…

The answer is to just wait.

I am a need to know kind of person and struggle with being patient. Funny that I have actually been described as a patient person from most people I have worked with.

Generally, I can drive myself nuts when I am dealing with unknowns. Yet, when you think about it, isn’t everything unknown? Is it not true that there are no certainties in any given situation? Why do I spend so much time looking for them?

Sometimes, the answer I get from God is simply for me to wait and see. This is not easy for me, but I am learning.

Just wait on the Lord, He will prompt you when it is time to move forward. Trust in Him and you will find your way. Know that the only thing that is certain in this life is Him. The only thing I can count on is Jesus. I know for sure that He is my Lord and Savior and is always on my side. He is on my side. Another statement to write down and place everywhere.

JESUS IS ON MY SIDE!

He loves me, He loves you. He loves those that hate Him just as much as He loves those that cherish Him.

If He is for us, then who can possibly be against us? On this I can rest, on this I can wait, in this I choose to move.

Questioning

I question everything and am unsure about most things. Often people will tell me how sure I always seem to be, I do not feel that way and am surprised that I present that way. I do not look to deceive anyone and have put some thought into why I would seem so sure to those I come into contact with when I feel so uncertain inside.

The answer is Jesus, He is the only one I have ever been truly certain of. I know that He is by my side in all things, I know that He has me right where I need to be for His Glory and I know that He will never turn away from me. This is the only certainty I hold in this life.

I know that no matter how unsure I am, Jesus is sure and has given my The Holy Spirit to guide me through this life. I know that no matter how unqualified I may feel for a task at hand, Jesus shows me the way through it. My faith has grown and I have learned to trust in our Lord in all things. I don’t need to feel comfortable and I don’t need to understand in order to do the work He lays before me. I just need to pray and discern His will and His direction in all things and I know that it will all be ok. This brings me such peace and calm.

I still worry and battle anxiety often. This is something that I know The Spirit is working on in me and I know that it does not help me through any situations. I also accept that I am human and cannot deny my human nature. As my faith grows, so does my ability to remain calm and patient. I have a long way to go, but I can also look back and see that I have already come such a long way already.

Lord, I come before You today with my anxious heart and I ask that you remind me that You are in control of all things and I need not fear the unknown. I pray that my heart remembers all that You have delivered me from in the short time I have been walking with You. I pray that my patience and peace continue to grow and deepen as I learn to trust You, for I know that my worry and angst are clues that I am not trusting in You completely. You are true Love and true Hope. You walk with me always and are working in all things. I give my emotions over to You Lord and ask that You teach me to slow down, sit quietly and to bask in You presence.

I thank You for this life You have given to me. I thank You for Your kindness, Your Love, Your Light and Your patience. I thank You and praise You for Your goodness and pray that I learn to appreciate You more each day. You are good, You are kind and I hope to be more like You each day.

Today I challenge myself and I challenge all of you to stop and take inventory of the blessings in your life. Turn away from the things you do not have and choose to count all that you are fortunate to have. Praise Him for the roof over your head, the food in your home, the relationships, etc. These things have been given to you by our Mighty King and we are His stewards. Take care of even the smallest of things put in your care and tend to all you are given with tender love and kindness.

I am exactly where I am meant to be and need to keep the proper perspective. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the stress, the frustrations and the anxieties of this world, but I know there is a higher purpose and I choose to maintain that perspective. I also ask that each of you remind me of this should we cross paths and you see me struggling. I will do the same for you. We are in this together!

 

 

Genesis 3:16 – who knew?!

Then He said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you” – Genesis 3:16

My husband read this passage last night during our family Bible time and looks up at me. “Maybe I should read that again”. I laugh and roll my eyes, “yeah, yeah, I heard it.” We competed our reading and ended our night with a crabby toddler and little more conversation as I fell asleep early. I never gave the passage another thought.

As I received a call this morning confirming that the office will be closed and that we will all be working from home, I decided to take advantage of the early morning time and to do some reading. I picked up my book The Creative Call as I am behind in the study and know it is because I have been avoiding the working on forgiveness part.

With a heavy sigh I begin to read through the chapter again and start the exercise. God burst through the hardened heart I carry and amazed me as I wrote. It felt like I wrote forever, like God was showing me the very work He was doing inside of me as I was writing. Words cannot express what took place, but I try. Forgiveness

I put my pen down and bowed my head in prayer.

“Father, please let me see your face in this, please take this weight of resentment and pain away. I cannot let the anger go, I don’t know how to. I have heard so many people and books tell me ways to go about it. Nothing really works. You can do this work, I know You can. Right now I am begging You to push your Holy Spirit deeper into this soul. Break open this hardened heart, tear it out and replace it with a heart of flesh. I beg You to take this burden I have held for so long, cleanse me of my pride and resentment. I long to see Your face. I need You.”

At that moment I could feel His presence and so clearly heard Him. Healing was taking place in that moment and that scripture from last night was echoing in my mind. Genesis 3:16 “…And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you”

Have I heard this before? I must have! I have read through Genesis several time in my failed attempts to read through the entire Bible from from to back. (more on that another time!)

I felt this force come through me. The need to investigate this further. I began to look at other versions and they all mostly say “And though you will have desire for your husband, he will rule over you”

Perhaps this is why it never really hit me before? Maybe it was the look in my husband’s eyes when he read this to me last night and paused to emphasize? I think the real reason is that God has been doing a work in me for some time. God has been moving in my marriage in ways we never thought possible and our eyes have been opening to His true design for us.

So I dug in a bit. I looked at many versions to see what they said and then moved onto the commentaries. I found a great site – Bible Study Tool

and thy desire [shall be] to thy husband,
which some understand of her desire to the use of the marriage bed, as Jarchi, and even notwithstanding her sorrows and pains in child bearing; but rather this is to be understood of her being solely at the will and pleasure of her husband; that whatever she desired should be referred to him, whether she should have her desire or not, or the thing she desired; it should be liable to be controlled by his will, which must determine it, and to which she must be subject, as follows;

and he shall rule over thee,
with less kindness and gentleness, with more rigour and strictness: it looks as if before the transgression there was a greater equality between the man and the woman, or man did not exercise the authority over the woman he afterwards did, or the subjection of her to him was more pleasant and agreeable than now it would be; and this was her chastisement, because she did not ask advice of her husband about eating the fruit, but did it of herself, without his will and consent, and tempted him to do the same.

– excerpt from “John Gill’s Exposition of the Bible”

Greater equality before the transgression? What does that mean exactly? At this point I was moved to put into practice the way we have been studying in our Ladies Bible Study group and this is what poured out:

What does this tell me about the Trinity?

  • When God tells us to refrain from something, there is good cause.
  • God does not withhold good from us, His creation.
  • God is the true judge and will chastise those that do not live according to His will.

My life application?

  • I am to be ruled by my husband as commanded by God.
  • Just as the experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, this is my role as woman.
  • Eve disregarded God’s command and this caused great pain for generations to come. When I choose to disregard my husband in my marriage, I too am disregarding God’s command. This bring pain, struggle and ruin to a marriage if not addressed.
  • I do not have to understand why god gives me a command in order to obey it. I need to trust in Him and surrender to His will.

Questions that can be answered by this passage?

  • Why should I obey God’s word even if it doesn’t make sense to me?

I am to trust in my creator and always know that He has my best interest at heart. I need to be sure to go to Him will all things, this includes my doubts in His word. I should not trust in any other influence as there is a darkness that takes pleasure in seeing my pain. 

  • If I am to obey my husband and let him lead in our marriage, then why do always the urge to step up and take charge?

Initially woman was made to be man’s helper. There was no struggle. When Eve chose to defy God’s command and eat of the fruit, sin entered the world. This struggle is part of the punishment bestowed upon us. 

I have always known that God commands me to step back and let my husband lead. I have searched for what this meant for me and my husband and always thought that my desire to take charge was a personal one. This passage has opened my eyes to the fact that this is part of God’s judgement upon Eve. 

I continued onto another commentary and here are the parts that really stuck out…

….Two things she is condemned to: a state of sorrow, and a state of subjection, proper punishments of a sin in which she had gratified her pleasure and her pride.

..Note, Sin brought sorrow into the world; it was this that made the world a vale of tears, brought showers of trouble upon our heads, and opened springs of sorrows in our hearts, and so deluged the world: had we known no guilt, we should have known no grief…

…God, as a righteous Judge, does it, which ought to silence us under all our sorrows; as many as they are, we have deserved them all, and more: nay, God, as a tender Father, does it for our necessary correction, that we may be humbled for sin, and weaned from the world by all our sorrows;….

…..If Eve had not eaten forbidden fruit herself, and tempted her husband to eat it, she would never have complained of her subjection; therefore it ought never to be complained of, though harsh; but sin must be complained of, that made it so. Those wives who not only despise and disobey their husbands, but domineer over them, do not consider that they not only violate a divine law, but thwart a divine sentence……

– Matthew Henry Commentary on the Bible (complete)

I struggle.

All women struggle.

This is the curse of sin entering into our world.

This is a role I was created to be in, the struggle itself is the price I pay for ancestors bringing sin to our world. The reward is in realizing just that and giving it over to God. Just as I endured the discomfort of each of my pregnancies, knowing that the struggle was worth the reward, I too will endure this struggle. I know that the reward will be more than I could possible imagine.

I want to write “Genesis 3:16” everywhere as a reminder!

Thank you Jesus for allowing me to see this today and I pray that you will continue to open my eyes to your divine plan. I know that when I give up the struggle and let go, I give You the room you need to work.

In Love,

The Storms of Life

I have been in the midst of the storm of life over the past few weeks. All I could do was hunker down and ride it out. Sometimes that is all we can do.

Typically I will get to a point where I am frustrated with the thing that are causing the stress, complain, vent, and possibly close off to the world until clearer days come. When those clearer days finally come, I take the time to reflect, learn and see how God was working and the lessons He taught.

This time was slightly different. I didn’t lash out, I did my best to stay centered. I did retreat from the world a bit and totally had emotional break downs, but it was good to release the feelings rather than keeping them bottled up. I maintained my cool for the most part, played the supportive role, let me husband lead, and we talked about the issues quite a bit. This was great, he had the room he needed to lead us through this storm and he was amazing. I am learning to speak less and love more.

I always lean on God in these trials and tribulations, that is second nature to me these days. I know He will carry me through any storm and that all things are used for His glory. I always have that faith and God understands my weak, human responses that come out at times. This time was different in the respect that I was able to see God working in the midst of this very tiring time we endured. I took the backseat and gave my husband the room he needed to lead us. This has not always been easy for me. I respect my husband and believe him fully capable of leading our family in all things. That has never been an issue. My mouth, that has always been the issue, I would speak first. I have been on my own for a very long time and my initial response to any issues has been to step up and meet them head on, take care of it myself because no one else would. It has been me against the world since I was a teen. After a lot of prayer, through the wonderful ladies bible study, and the words of an awesome pastor, I have finally come to a point where I am able to step back….just a little. 🙂

I was still very involved in all that transpired and supported my hubby as he needed me to, but I was able to step back just enough to see God working. I could see His hand in it all. I was able to marvel as His plan unfolded and it was absolutely beautiful.

My role this time was to pray, love, encourage and weather the storm by my hubby’s side. I really enjoyed it.

Oh I was angry, hurt and depressed through it all, don’t get me wrong. I fell apart on several occasions and that too was a blessing. I realized that God is not crazy, I am the weaker vessel! My emotions were so out of control at times, I couldn’t stand being in my own skin. The pressure from all sides was too much, I shut down a bit and let God carry me through, I let my husband carry me through, I let go.

I don’t want to feel like I have to be the strong one. I don’t want to worry about handling all things, it’s a job that is not meant for me. I was created with a different purpose. I have struggled for so long to be something that I am not, and have tried to bury parts of me that I thought were not important.

I can’t even put the things that have been happening to me into words. My perspective is changing, God is peeling back the layers of darkness that have been covering my eyes. He is so patient, gentle and kind. He deals with my doubts, my failures and my pain. He is always by my side. I fall on my face often and I will never come close to being perfect, that isn’t what I was created for either. Perfection is unattainable, Mercy and Grace are all I need.

As I take baby steps back, I get glimpses of the true beauty in this world. I see the truth shining through and I love it. I am finding my self again and learning to love all the gifts he has bestowed upon me. I am slowly learning to go slow, allow God to go ahead of me in all things. I can get so caught up in life, that I don’t realize I blew right past where God has meant for me to walk.

The moral of this story? God is awesome, if you listen to Him and follow His instructions for your life, it will only get better. Circumstances may not change but the level of inner peace and one’s perspective will change dramatically. Only Jesus can transform these lives.

Let go, step back, pause before acting and watch God work. Embrace your gifts and talents, God gave them to you for a reason. His reason.

Faithful Servant

I have wasted so much time in my life comparing myself to others….I still do and have to redirect my thoughts often. What good does that do? None. It is detrimental really. When I spend more time comparing myself to others and counting all my faults, I am doing myself and God a disservice. I am wasting time and allowing the darkness to keep me distracted from where God wants me to be.

John 12:26 ESV If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.

How can I follow Jesus when I am not keeping my eyes on Him? How can I honor God and be honored by Him when I am taking my eyes off the prize, His glory? I cannot.

God has been doing a great work in me and teaching me how to take myself out of the equation. (I feel we will be working on this for a long time lol) When I obey Him, silence my tongue and wait for Him, amazing things happen. I get to sit back and watch Him work. I can see Him stirring in another and I am giving them the opportunity to hear Him rather than me. When I look at a brother or sister in Christ with love rather than to compare “how much better they are” I find the blessings begin pour out. Relationships deepen. Hardened hearts begin to soften. Truly amazing.

Colossians 3:12 ESV Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

These things listed here are so hard for me to put into practice. My natural reactions can be quite the opposite. Yet, those moments when I obey and approach life in the way God commands me to…well, things are so much better! Which is why He commands us…so simple, yet so difficult!

So I walk in faith, grace and love. I remind myself that we are all made with a purpose and to compare myself to another will never bring any good to any situation. God has a purpose for me. He made me the crazy woman I am to bring Him glory. I am learning to forgive myself as God has forgiven me, to move forward and not look back with remorse but with joy. I can find joy and pleasure in how far Jesus has brought me. I can walk in the path He has given me and know that no matter what, it will all work out as He has designed it to. I don’t need to know it all, I don’t need to fix it all. I only need to keep my eyes on Jesus and allow Him to lead the way. When I get ahead of myself, and ahead of Him, I lose my way.

Patience.

Prayer.

Reaching out in fellowship.

Waiting on the Lord’s answer.

These are the things I need to remind myself of constantly. He has never let me down and has brought me to amazing places when I have let go.

 

I will close with a portion of a song that has been touching my heart deeply.

Why do I try to work outside of You?
Knocking down doors I shouldn’t be going through
But I’m so tired, I’m so tired
You take my burdens off of my shoulders
You break the lies that hold me back
I’m not sure enough

You’re my revival song, You start where I belong
On my knees, on my knees
When I am weak You’re strong, You meet me here
When I’m on my knees, on my knees
Yeah, it starts with me

I really wanna change the world
I really wanna sing Your song
But I know revival’s got to start with me
I really wanna change the world
I really wanna sing Your song
But I know revival’s got to start with me

– Tim Timmons, Starts with Me

We belong on our knees before our one and true God….that is where the magic happens!

Guilt and Conviction

Guilt is a funny thing. I once thought that it was a good sign, a sign of good conscience. Something to keep me in check. The Spirit has been showing me something completely different.

I have found that guilt is a burden that I am not meant to carry. Jesus has covered my sin and I am free in Him.

Free.

Totally and completely without blame because of what He did on the cross. He took on that burden a long time ago so that I can come to the Father. Guilt is not a good sign, it is not the tool I once thought it to be. Guilt holds me back, brings about doubt where there should be none.

Conviction is something I once viewed as a negative. I never wanted to be convicted of anything. I didn’t want people to call me out on things I maybe doing or not doing. Don’t look to close! I would hate for those around me to see the deeply flawed human that I am.

Conviction is love.

Conviction is way for God to keep me on the path He has set out for me. He works through others to remind me to refocus, to catch me when I begin to wander and to bring me deeper when I am wading in the shallow end of life once again.

Peace, I have found such a sense of peace since I have had my perspective changed in regards to guilt and conviction. I now stand stronger in God’s love and light. I now take conviction and rise up to the challenges God sets forth. I look at guilt as a bond to be broken and to be left behind. Do I feel remorse and sadness in times of conviction, absolutely. The difference is that I don’t wallow in it, I don’t let it change the way I look at life. I don’t let it knock me off my path. I don’t allow it to deter me from doing God’s work.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place and guilt creeps in all the time. I constantly have to give it to God. I have chosen to repent, release and take action when convicted. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? Just let it go and let God do the work He desires to do in you. It is not easy. It is really hard to go against my nature. It’s harder to continue to do so! Funny that I find it is easier to wallow in guilt and self-pity yet I am choosing not to. The reason is simple, I have never felt a peace in me like I do today.

The more I choose to flip my perceptions and rest in God, the less anxiety I feel from day-to-day. The more I interact with others and the more I expose myself to them and God, the happier I am.

I am struggling to find the words to describe the changes that have taken place in my heart. The very core of my being has been and continues to be shaped and molded in ways I never thought possible.

The more I let go, the more I gain. When I let God fill me up and pour out of me, I am whole. I no longer look for stress and anxiety to be markers for growth in this life. I now see that those are signs that I am focused on the wrong things. I am beginning to stop comparing myself to others and thinking they are “closer to God”. I am not allowing myself to hold back because I am not good enough. I know I am not good enough. I am not worthy, I am imperfect, I know that I need God.

I searched for my spiritual path for a long time. I never thought I would ever label myself as a Christian. I would actually challenge people to tell me why they thought Jesus was so great and then I would tell them why being a Christian is wrong and well just stupid.

I am so glad that I walked into that church 6 years ago and found Jesus. Sure, I fought Him for quite some time and yes, I avoided getting too close to the people in my church as well. I still do to a degree, but honestly, I have never felt more peace, closure, healing or love like I do today.

I have had a rocky past and a lot of abandonment and I allowed that to be the driving force in my life for a long time. Now that I have let God in, He is the driving force and I am in such a better place because of it. I am and will never be perfect. I am not a better person by any means. I am just allowing Jesus to work through me and He has been taking my filth and changing me in ways that allow His will is done through me.

If you have not allowed Jesus in as deeply as He wants to be, then I encourage you to focus on that every minute of every day. Push everything else away, give it all up to Him. You won’t lose yourself, you’ll gain more than you could every imagine.

Let the guilt go. Let God in.

Deepening

There have been many times I started writing a post on here and then closed it, unsure what to write. So I wrote nothing. This is a problem I find in many aspects if my life. I am unsure of what to say or do, so I do nothing at all, afraid of doing the wrong thing. I allow uncertainty and fear to grab hold of me and keep me in a place of inaction. This is not a place I should be in and most definitely not a place where Jesus wants me in. God tells us to step out in the Spirit in faith and love. He will do the rest. Who am I to hold back whatever it is God may be trying to do through me? It’s not my place to deem what is the right or wrong thing to do or say. It is my job to do whatever the Spirit lays on this heart of mine.

Over the past few months I have been trying to deal with the fact that I do not step out of my comfort zone enough. I don’t reach out to dig deeper, I find that I am wading in those shallow place once again. The superficial “hey, how are you” and moving along quickly happens all too often. Yes, I do have a toddler I have to chase after, yes I have children that need to be fed, but they cannot be an excuse.

I want my normal approach to life and the people surrounding me to be deeper. I have been asking God to help deepen my approach to life as He commands me to. He has been doing a work in my life that I have a hard time describing. He has been deepening my understanding and approach to people but I still drift back into the shallow business. I have to remember that I am here on this earth to do God’s work. Nothing else matters. I have heard over and over again that we do not take anything with us when we leave this earth. I face the fact that our time here is short everyday in my work. I know that I will be forgotten shortly after I die. Really, this life I am leading is a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. Here today and gone tomorrow.

So what am I doing with the time I am given? Am I consistently reaching out to God and asking for Him to work through me every second I breathe? Do I take the time to stand in awe of all that God has created around me? Do I thank Jesus for the awesome sacrifice He made for us? Do I love each and every person I come in contact with because Jesus does and wants me to as well?

Sometimes.

Not enough.

I do these things much more than I once did and I know that I will never do them enough. I am human. I am flawed. I will never meet any mark I set. Jesus is perfection and I can only continue to accomplish His work by allowing Him in. Deeper and deeper. Like a diamond I can only reflect His love and light in this world full of hate and darkness.

Bless the Lord oh my soul

I really to crave to bless the Lord will all my soul and to allow Him to shine through me to those around me. I want to be praying all the day long, asking for guidance and praising Him for all things in my life. I want to always be open to Him and have an unceasing flow of goodness pouring through me. Unfortunately I am human and do not always accomplish these things.

I love the work I do, professionally speaking, as I am able to work towards a greater good. we offer hope, life and dignity in the end of life stages. We have a team of professionals that come together to ensure that all the patient’s clinical, spiritual, psychosocial and bereavement needs are met. People tend to fear death and we are here when the time has come where you can no longer deny that death will come. I truly love that I am able to be involved in coordinating a plan of care that brings dignity and quality of life for our patients. I really do have an awesome job as the volunteer coordinator, I am able to bring in the added service of offering a person to come in to read, play music, talk about the patient’s favorite things, give some relief to the caregivers, create projects to pass on the patient’s legacy and so much more. So I should be satisfied right?

I confess that I am never really satisfied. Working in hospice is as close as I can get to being satisfied in my professional life, well the closest I have come! The people who work in hospice are special and I am free to speak with them on a spiritual level. We have a great team here and I am blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. The reality is that I have a craving to do more. I crave to have my work life full of spiritual concerns. I crave to be in a place where I am working to spread Jesus’ love and I totally do this both in my work day and out. I have had the pleasure of discussing issues with a co-worker who was struggling with her faith and the words that came out of my mouth surprised me. I marveled at how Jesus came through and was able to use me in this woman’s life. I have had the pleasure of inviting another woman to my church and she has been partaking in a bible study and that is awesome to see to!

So why am I always craving to do more? Is it natural to keep on craving because I have seen and felt Jesus do His work through me? Is it better for me to be in a place where I will come in to contact with a multitude of people so that I can be God’s instrument? I suppose God will let me know!

I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessings that God has bestowed upon me and my family. The very air I breathe continuously. The comforts He has afforded me. The love He has brought into my empty life. I pray for contentment. I pray that I can be in a place where I feel the joys of the life I have and that the discontent and frustrations be removed. At the same time, I am thankful for the cravings to do more in the sense that I probably would not have gotten involved in things that have touched lives in ways that I am not even aware of.

So I end this rambling and circle of thoughts I have here by saying that I am going to continue to thank God for all I have, thank Him for all the opportunities He has provided and to continue to crave to do more without allowing myself to become discontent with the place I am in. Craving to do more, in and of itself is a great thing. This pushes me to look for ways to continue to spread His love and to let people know what being a Christian really is.