These past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me. I have felt a heaviness all around me and have been quite crabby! God has been moving mightily in my life and I should be rejoicing all the day long. Don’t get me wrong, I continued to sing His praises and share with everyone the wonders He has been working in this life, but the feeling of joy was not there. I had glimmers of joy and happy about the things taking place but still felt that heavy darkness and could not figure out why.
Sure I have been stressed out while coordinating all things that need to be coordinated when you’re moving, sure I have a hectic schedule that is always full….but this should not be enough to dampen the happiness I had for the awesome things happening in my life!
Then it dawned on me, I have been attending a Bible study that is helping me to dive deep into scripture rather than just skimming it. I have been working with God on finding the root of my food issues. I have been writing this blog. I have been talking with a few ladies about spiritual struggles they have been dealing, offering support and perspective. I have been lifting up my anger and need to swear in hopes that God can take them away. I have been allowing Jesus to work through me in more ways than I ever realized.
So, this is the source of the heaviness, I have ben opening myself up and asking for healing and depth. This means that God will be stirring up those dark places I have buried deep inside. He is doing the very thing I beg for Him to do regularly. He reaches down into those places that I don’t want to face, the hurt, the pain, the festering wounds I push down deep. He flushes these places with His love and light, He begins the healing process.
This can be hard, the old feelings surface and I am thrown out of my comfort zone. It is uncomfortable and exhausting. Especially when I am unsure what is causing the discomfort to begin with. Knowing is half the battle and is helping me to go with the flow. It still hurts, is still difficult and still weighs heavy on me but now I can reach out and ask for help with the process as well. I am able to tell my family where I am and what I am going through and ask for their prayers rather than pushing them away and being miserable in my own little world.
Growing and healing old wounds is not always beautiful but the outcome sure is. God is amazing and I can rest in the fact that he loves me and wants me to be healed. He wants the very best for me and my family and this makes the painful process that much easier.
1 Corinthians 2:9 English Standard Version (ESV)
9 But, as it is written,
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—
Jesus is amazing and I love that He loves us all!